The silence said everything I never wanted to hear but I digress.
Recent stress-filled days have come and gone but I will rest easy tonight. A good conversation with a dear friend, a few refreshing pints and a little bit more optimism than I have been wearing lately warms my heart. I have been caught off guard at break-neck speeds over the last month, scrambling to find balance and breath, but the dust settles and I realign my spine to the posture I desire. Lately when I have felt lost I put on some Evening Hymns and quiet my soul, discard the worries that keep me up and night and rest in the beauty of the known and unknown alike. It’s not always easy, it’s actually often-times the most difficult thing for me to do because I never stop, but I am grateful to hear of another journey that lends hope to mine. I have been distracted, by smooth skin and sharp wit, by day-dreams and hopelessness. I lost track of the work I was doing, the journey I was on and why I was headed there…in simple, I lost my spine. When faced with a seemingly daunting situation, I forget who I am. I revert back to insecurities and second-guessing my abilities, the very things that I know I am not. It’s hard not to play the comparison game these days, especially in the social mecca of Nashville. For example, I work very hard to do my job to the best of my ability, always pushing my capacity and in one conversation, one person innocently responding to hearing I’m a custom woodworker with “Oh that’s great, how long have you owned your business?!” and everything I’ve worked towards collapses in my soul because I’m reminded that I’m not further along than someone might expect or I might wish to be. This is terribly common in my life and has always been difficult to swallow because I start to get anxious that I’m not in the right place or that I’m missing out on something key, that I will inevitable choke and fail.
(I can attest that not only is this mindset a horrific thing to live with, but it is completely false.)
I had a great conversation about a month ago with a good friend of mine. I was stressing out about something I thought was the end of the world and she calmly but purposively communicated that I need to stop stealing the joy of the good things in my life with the overthinking and stressing of all other things; when the stitch catches, it all unravels for me. I have been working on changing that, slowly but surely, and that conversation has been a hopefully reminder that I am looking too closely at the negatives and unknowns in my life and not rejoicing or accepting the knowns. I’ve adjusted my focus, I’ve been clearing my heart, soul and mind and letting the fear and falsities fall to the wayside; it’s not over yet, so don’t stop fighting for it…you’re doing a great job.
Hold Fast Hope.