I think it’s going to be okay.
“This is our year” she said and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t rested in those words every day since, in the words of someone that truly believes in my capability and potential. In our own ways, we have committed relentlessly to this season of life being the season of vocalizing and then chasing dreams, identifying and then strengthening weaknesses, finding rest and then moving forward, learning how beautiful vulnerability is and then bearing our souls, falling in love with life and then pursuing that love… hell or high water.
Right now more than ever, I am figuring out who I am and that it’s okay to be that person, to have questions, to disagree, to fail…to not be exactly who I thought I’d be. I am finally speaking up for myself, finding confidence in my identity and working hard to create a life that gives joy to not only others, but myself; this season is for me. That might come across as conceited but I wholeheartedly believe that what I am working for isn’t just for me, but that it will be for everyone I might meet. I have burned myself out trying to be everything to everyone and it has beaten me down to a numb existence time and time again and I can’t continue like that. My pursuit of mental, physical and spiritual health will be for my family, my friends, my community, my co-workers, strangers, my future family and all others that there may be. I am doing what I can to sharpen myself, face my demons and be intentional about living an unapologetic life of passion.
This is no simple task and it is largely based around deconstructing previous ideas of contextual happiness, unattainable standards, anxiety soaked perfectionism, displaying all forms of my artistry, “failed” life timelines, lack of understanding habits and how they mold mental health and countless other areas. I am finally starting to practice what I’ve always known to be true, that when I allow myself the time to rest and renew, I become a better version of myself, as that time heals my spirit. I have been disconnecting from the city pace and going hiking with Cruz more, I am saying no to plans and projects that I don’t have time for (or don’t have time to do well), I have essentially cut-out all fast food which was consumed out of poor time management and lack of planning and began cooking more, I play drums almost everyday and ride my bike as often as possible, I have read (and listened to via audiobooks) about 5 books, some more than once, in the last 4 months, I lend myself to podcasts and content that is insightful and inspiring along with so many other things. I do things that I know are some of the puzzle pieces to my life, the things that will ultimately create the finished product. The pieces are all there and I’m tired of trying to make the wrong ones fit together in an attempt to create the life I think will make me whole, which honestly has never worked because the things in life that make me feel complete are subtle revelations, unforeseen interactions, unplanned adventures, abolished expectations, not a cookie cutter existence or passionless formula.
I dream a lot and most of the time my dreams don’t seem tangible because they are largely based on my perception of success and happiness, but deep down inside, I know that the things I equate to success are usually shallow and that the person I really want to be, the person I long to be molded into will take years and years…presumably one exact lifetime and won’t look anything like I thought it would, but I will be rich with happiness, as I’ve chased after a life of passion, integrity, wisdom, compassion and love.
It’s strange to be anything, but I think I’m okay.