I seem to have forgotten my headphones, so by default I must entertain the surroundings at this coffeehouse tonight; the quick chatter of keyboards, joyful conversation, over-played indie music and talk of plans. While I don’t hate this environment by any means, I want to be inside my head right now, comforted by my every racing thoughts.
I turned 25 this past week, so naturally, I did some reflecting. My birthday evening, I sat alone on a tattered couch that was given to me, staring blankly at half-broken television I also received for free, wondering since the life I always thought I would have and the life I actually have never met, could I be happy?
The truth is, my life is nothing like I could have imagined or wished for, but I consistently sit back and just laugh about where I am. For instance, I now live less than a mile from someone I have looked up to since I was 14 and has been one of the biggest influences of my life, both on and off my bike. If that is not enough, not only do we live close, we hangout on a regular basis and I am proud to call him my friend. If you told me that 10 years ago I’d be here, I’d laugh and you’d be a liar. All that to say, I have no idea where my life is going and what I am meant to do. Each day seems to chip away at a master plan, a faded map of sorts and I try to figure out where to move my feet and rest my heart. I have also dealt with more hurt than I care to mention and situations that have kept my eyes open at night like an owl, hoping to find wisdom to see further into the darkness. I am learning every day and maybe one day I will share my findings, but for now I must learn. There is a reason for the delays I hate and the frustration that mounts, but one day all will be revealed in a brilliant display. I am learning to not process the motives of others (what I can never know) but respond in love, gently with compassion. There is a truthful beauty, that in complete brokenness, we heal and discover the wholeness we were created it. Personally, I believe this glorious completion is from our Creator, but I am not here to sway minds for some sort of skewed self-fulfillment, only speak what I have seen.
Some days my feet cry as I set course to an unknown destination, not knowing how long I must trudge along, but I have heard there is beauty in the struggle and there is hope to hold tightly to. It’s hard to merely absorb knowledge, never fully knowing what you actually know because you never share. It seems there is a process in which the passing on of knowledge, confirms it as such, but this is a time in my life where my mouth must remain closed and my eyes open to a world I never imagined I’d see in such a way. I have plans, but my plans fail and I am not who I thought I was. When my plans fail, I’m learning to press on and find joy in the disarray and peace in the unknown. This response will take a lifetime to speak, but I have a lifetime to spare.
“So never mind our plan making,
We’ll start living.”