“His love is the strength of any believer’s life. And the lack of God’s love in someone’s life manifests as a consuming and consistent emptiness that plagues then with heaviness, despair, isolation, and loneliness.” -Tommy Green “Religio-cide”
Life always amazes me and once again I find myself in a weird transitional state that has allowed some reconnection with my Creator. Since my knee surgery, I have had an abundant amount of time to be still and listen; re-evaluating where God is calling my life to move to. I have had a great conviction and various experiences that have brought me to where I am now and I hope to remain steadfast in course. This last year has been extremely difficult for me (for seemingly insurmountable reasons) and I doubted all could ever be well. In the last year, at my lowest points, I dealt with suicide contemplation and an overwhelming hopelessness that I (thankfully) never gave control to. I find myself, at the beginning of this year, stepping out into a different thought process that has been healthier and although extremely difficult to digest, a true blessing. I’ve been off my bike for about 4 months now and riding has always been a huge part of my life. I make little to no money, so I haven’t had enough to get film developed. Tack on not being able to work, surgery and doctor visit travel expenses and you have a very financially broke man. In the last two or three months, I’ve also let go of pursuing the girl, that I love so dearly, in any sort of relationship manner. I continue to love her, but I have painfully realized that at this point, I am not meant to be her love. It’s not how I hoped it would end up and although it is not over, since day one I’ve loved her who she is and that is my foundation to continue loving her no matter where I go/stay or where she goes/stays. Needless to say, I have had a good amount of things on my plate and that’s fine, but I’m not very hungry at the moment.
I share all that to say that we have no idea what God has in store for us, but He works beautifully if we are willing to loosen our grip and let go of demands. I feel ashamed to think that I actually thought God could only work through means that I see/saw fit. The very idea of limiting our Creator is preposterous, but we all do it. I am realizing that trusting where God wants me to be, means letting go of where I think I should be. I’m not a very closed person anymore and will share openly my hopes, but there is still hope when my hopes are crushed. Follow? I am called to (because I made the decision to follow Christ) be loving to everyone, not just because they line up with my motives or pursuit. It’s hard to differentiate because some are in line with or cross paths with my desires and I somehow think that they are the only means by which I may be saved. I can’t express how wrong I am! I hope I am growing when I acknowledge my faults, but I hope that I have wisdom enough to step back from my stubborn, prideful attitude and let transformation breathe.
I understand that this is a good deal of rambling and I ramble, so that is fine with me, but this is the start of a new understanding and purpose. My purpose is defined by no one… NO ONE (not even myself) but Christ. I hope that I adhere to this truth and somehow grow.