Click this photo of my lovely mother holding an octopus gourd to see a bit of color.
Speaking of moms…
Happily thinking about nothing at all. My spiced chai tea grows cold with but one sip remaining in the mug, my lips protected by the new stick of Burt’s Bees I bought today, The Glorious Unseen brings peace to my soul and all is well. I feel like all I do is ramble these days; babbling as some lunatic who could really use some precisely written note cards to assure his conversation doesn’t stray too far. The night is quiet and as the dogs rest in the adjacent room, I’m enjoying the moment. I’m told over and over again that I think way too much and I believe this to be the gospel truth. I’m aware of my surroundings and therefore feel the necessity to calculate all possible outcomes. I don’t want to live carelessly and have always tried to make sure that I am on the good side of all I come in contact with. As I understand, its our nature as humans to want to be loved and carry the approval of our peers, but I take it to an unhealthy level. I’ve compromised integrity for the sake of my outward reputation; the face value reputation that we lift to the scales and weigh one another on. This compromise is restless and never settles to a place of peace. In my last post, I talked about returning to being me and this is the process unfolding before your eyes.
The other morning, I stood motionless, vainly staring into my bathroom mirror. The circles beneath my eyes, darkened my gaze and I saw my age; scraggly facial hair, smile creases and scars. In an instant, I unfocused my brown eyes and saw a blurry mess of a lonely man. I found relief in not staring with such fixation on the things I feared. I’m just like everyone else; I fear wasting the time I am blessed with. I’ve never been at ease with the thought of time and I would dare say we will always be enemies. With that said, I am learning to live, content with who I am. Where am I going with this? Right here…
It’s alright to be different. The characteristics we own and think are flaws, might be what others admire in us. I’ve been told before, “it’s so cool that you’re…”, but I had no idea how they saw what they did in me. For so long I’ve wanted to not be different and to find a place where I could take off my weathered skin and feel like I belong. The truth is, I feel so incredibly different at times, that it makes my head spin. For instance, it has been over two years since I last kissed a girl; the girl being my first and only girlfriend. I feel so insecure sometimes that I’m not out there living it up and making out or hooking up with random girls, because at my age, that’s what people do, right? Why do I feel this way?! I’ve made a choice to have standards and not waste my time and heart (or the time and heart of a girl), just so I don’t feel lonely. Of course I am lonely, but not so lonely that I won’t wait for the girl I love or am to one day find and love. There is absolutely no point in reducing myself to merely appease a crowd that doesn’t live my life. I’m patiently waiting for the one I love and I should, with no hesitation, take pride in my choice! It’s not how most people would choose to live, but it is how I am called to live. These are my convictions and I’ve let them dull, but I am sharpening them once again; I thirst for wisdom!
“I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence; I possess knowledge and discretion.”